Saturday, February 2, 2019

my one and only heartbeat

I slumped on my bed with my mind racing with resentment, trepidation and regret. It pained me watching her leave but I believed that it was the right call to reshape my life. I placed my palms on my forehead as I tried to calm myself; her treats still ringing bell in my ears. Knowing that doubting her will be the most imprudent thing to do, I couldn’t help but think of what the outcome of everything might be. It dawned on me that everything comes with prices; either for good or bad. But mine was more than bad; I could feel as setback and adversity loom around me but there was nothing I could to stop it. I felt awfully feeble and petrified; my nastiest outlandish being my doings hounding those that I cared for.
Then I remembered Kay; I couldn’t imagine what might be going on in his mind at that moment. I contemplated on going to meet him but decided against as I was not in the normal state of mind and I don’t want to risk transferring aggression to him. My worst fear was scaring him away from me thereby putting my major aim of helping into jeopardy. The worst problem in any relation is losing each other’s trust and I don’t dream of that with him.
“God help me” I prayed hoping that God will find a place in his heart and answer my prayer because I knew that my prayer will not exceed my doorstep. I stood up and headed to the door but on a second thought, I returned to my bed. I had to bath but that was not in my schedule at that moment. My only memo being my thought which was not yielding any meaningful solution
My phone rang but it aborted before my weak hand could reach for it. I picked the phone but before I could unlock it, Frank’s call came in again. I glanced at the phone for some seconds before aborting the call and blacklisted his two phone numbers. I felt bad that things turned out like that between us but I had no choice though I felt that I took it too far; reason being that I was no longer in any relationship with Tracy, though that was sincerely complicated because I still had feelings for her despite our pasts. I don’t know why but my only reason was that she was my first love
Another call came into my phone and I wondered if it was still Frank but to my greatest relieve; it was from Tracy. I hesitated before picking the call
ME: Any problem? *I asked immediately the line connected*
TRACY: I am sorry for calling but I couldn’t help but wonder if you reached home safely *She replied calmly*
ME: I think that you don’t have to worry about me Tracy, there is no need caring about my wellbeing because that is completely extraneous and I will appreciate if this be the last time you will dial my number *I replied*
TRACY: I don’t know what to say Ben but I will be grateful if you give me a benefit of doubt on this. I am not asking for any relationship or friendship but I want to correct everything that I have done and it will be my greatest joy if you grant me this wish *She insisted*
I shook my head sadly amidst confusion, trying to fathom where she was driving at because the Tracy I knew must have another important agenda when trying to do something. But my state of mind was not helping matter as trying to stretch my brain further would have caused me brain damage
ME: You did not wrong to me Tracy and I have nothing bad against you. I might have before but not again. I want to be left alone now please, I really want to be alone *I pleaded as I lacked words to express the little that my mind could comprehend*
TRACY: I know you Ben; I know how you feel right now and I know that you are trying to avoid me by all means but trust me on this; I am real. I know that it will be very hard to believe after our ugly past but those days are behind us now and moving forward toward building something nice is my sole priority *She responded*
I could feel it, the little that my brain could comprehend. I could guess where she was driving at; build a future. Making a life misery is one thing and trying to escalate its gloom is another strange and hard thing exclusively. I felt sad, sad that Tracy was still knocking around in my life without getting tired. Good or bad? That does not really matter but something was wrong, wrong with me and I could not place my finger on it. All that I felt around her was total weakness which was perfectly stranger and saddening for me
ME: Well Tracy, you requested that we should neither be friends nor lovers but you are now insinuating that we should build a future. Are you having any allusion that I am naïve or something worst than that? *I asked sadly*
TRACY: No, not at all *She stammered* I mean, I simply want to make some things right to avoid being hunted in the future. I know that my life had being extremely disgusting but the future is what I want to change *She explained*
ME: You can rebuild your life yourself and that must not involve me. Moreover, you lived your past life yourself without involving me and trying to build your future presently does not have to involve me if you are not having any other motive in mind *I replied*
TRACY: Truthfully, I have no other motive. I just want to be relieved when thinking about you, I want you to see me as a changed person and not the old Tracy *She persevered*
ME: There is nothing you can do to utter what I feel about you right now. Trying to do anything will rather damage what I have for you. The only thing that I have ever wanted from you is honesty and what you did have covered that and I will not ask for anything more. I am really cool with you but no feelings attached *I replied trying as much as possible to defect from her plan*
TRACY: I know that but………… please can we talk later? *she asked*
ME: No, I am seriously occupied and I don’t know when I will be chanced *I lied*
TRACY: Okay but try to ping me as soon as you are free *She requested and I hung the call without replying*
I drove into town and headed to Lady’s resident and glanced at her house from distance with its gate completely locked. It was then it occurred to me that my racing mind had turned me to a fool without having the thought that she might be at work. Without thinking, I revised the car and headed for her office
I entered into the spacious compound of the company which looked endless and luckily, I was able to scale through the securities at ease. I headed for the elevator as I entered into the hall and in no time, I was at her office floor. I
ME: Please, is your madam in? *I asked her secretary who was arranging some files on her desk*
SECRETARY: Do you have an appointment with her? *She asked suspiciously* because she is not expecting any visitor today again. As you can see, I am already rounding up for today’s work; so, why do you want to see her? *she added*
ME: You are right; she is not assigned to see anyone today again but believe me, she will be very delighted to meet me today *I replied calmly*
SECRETARY: What is your name? *She asked as she punched into the office land phone*
ME: Dan, just tell her that it is Dan *I replied with my reason well known to me*
SECRETARY: I am very sorry for wasting much of your time but she insists that she know no one with that name but you can go in, she want to know what you want. *She said to me suspiciously after a long conversation with her boss*
ME: Thank you very much *I forced a smile*
I got into the office to meet her backing me while she swung slowly on her seat. I couldn’t help but marveled at the sophistication of her office
LADY: Who are you and why do you want to see me by this hour of work? *She asked without turning back*
My gaze kept wandering around the office without giving her a reply. I glanced at my wrist watch and yawned as the time seemed to had triggered hunger in me
LADY: I can see that my unannounced visitor is dumb or rather deaf *She muttered calmly*
I smiled, taking slow steps toward her. I placed my hands on her desk and leaned forward to peck her ear
ME: Someone you will like to see *I whispered into her ear while she turned swiftly*
LADY: Oh my God, what are you doing here? *she gasped in surprise*
ME: What am I doing here? I came to see you of cause *I replied*
LADY: You shouldn’t have come here; it is not right for you to be here *She replied, surprising me*
ME: Fine, then I has to go because I am not welcomed here *I replied angrily*
LADY: Wait *she called as I made to leave* I am sorry how I sounded but try to understand. This is an office and any romance related activities are never entertained here. Do you know what my fate would have being if not that I am already closing for work and the camera in this office is already off till I am gone? Even being the manager of this company does not place me as its owner *She explained*
ME: It is okay but I really have to go…..now *I replied*
LADY: Wait, I will make it up to you. Just give me some seconds to round up my work and we can go on a dinner date *She requested*
ME: Well then, I will wait for you in my car *I replied*
I waved at the receptionist who stared at me suspiciously without giving any reply. Not that I really cared though she was beautiful. I sat in my car with earphones plugged to my ears while I nodded to the low tune music which it brought forth, unconscious of anything else.
I looked through the glass to see a figure standing closer. I hurriedly unplugged my earphone and reduced the glass. I froze as I behold Lady’s secretary standing beside my car
SECRETARY: Hey, I have being knocking on your glass for the past five minutes but your earphone seemed to had obstructed your sense of hearing *She said*
ME: Anything the problem? *I asked not knowing her intention*
SECRETARY: No, there is no problem, I just want to say hi *She replied with smile*
ME: Okay then *I replied uninterestedly*
The least I expected at that moment was conversation with a total stranger
SECRETARY: Well, my name is Nick *She introduced*
ME: I am Ben *I replied not remembering that I had used a fake identity some minutes ago*
NICK: Ben, I hope that you told me that your name was Dan? *She asked surprisingly*
ME: Yeah, Ben, Dan, all the same. Dan is my family name and most people know me by that but Ben is my name when speaking with beautiful girls like you *I defended and giggled at what I just said*
NICK: Really? *She smiled sheepishly*
ME: Of course you are really beautiful. Can I have your phone number? *I requested*
NICK: Sure, let me have yours rather. *She replied while I called out the number for her*
LADY: What are you doing with my cousin? *I heard her shouted angrily*
NICK: Erm, I am sorry, I was just…….
ME: I got lost while trying to find my way out; you know, this company is too large and luckily for me, I met her coming out and I asked for her help *I chipped in knowing well that her current phizog meant nothing but a sack letter for the frightened lady* By the way, what took you so long, you are supposed to be out before your secretary *I added*
LADY: I am sorry for keeping you waiting, I have to attend to some things in some departments *She apologized* we have to go now *She noted and glanced at Nick who was already entering her car with her eyes still on us*
About An hour earlier
I sighed as I dropped Tracy’s call, contemplating on what my life was turning into. Knowing that it was not heading to anything good, I wondered how it will all end, if it will truly end. A knock came on my door causing me to leap with fright, thinking that it was Timmy. My conscience was skirmishing me, not knowing if I will be able to stand Timmy.
ME: Come in *I said loudly, trying to compose myself*
To my utmost respite, Kay walked in bearing a concern filled phizog which made me to look away. My bad side was hunting me and putting me to the sword, making me feel that everyone is an enemy.
KAY: I am sorry for coming here but I couldn’t help it. I want to know if you are okay *He said calmly*
ME: Yeah, I am perfect, I am really okay. I am just trying to……. *I stammered, trying to come up with a story but he interrupted me*
KAY: You are not okay please. Your face, eyes and your words says otherwise. I have known you for a very short period but you are one of the most confident people I have ever met; not even your uncle can be as clam as you and stuttering is the last thing to ever come from you no matter what. I don’t want to ask about what is wrong but no matter what it is, always remember that you can surmount it. Just believe in yourself and find the spirit within you *He advised*
I couldn’t believe that someone could still care for me. His words brightened my face and raised my spirit; I realized that his care needed to be repaid; I had to do everything in my power to retain his trust and loyalty.
ME: Earnestly, I am very distressed right now but I don’t know how to explicate it. I beg you understand *I sighed* it is something I don’t know how to explain even if I try. *I explained*
KAY: I know but if it has anything to do with your uncle’s wife, I will advise you be careful and inform him about it before it gets out of hand *He replied*
ME: How do you know that it is anything relating to her? *I asked surprisingly*
KAY: Don’t worry; I am neither stalking you nor eavesdropping on you. I saw how your uncle’s wife drove out of the house and subsequently your brother who looked tenser than I have ever seen and I get to conclude that some things are not right *He explained*
His words thundered in my head, sweat gushing out of my body and drenching my clothes in a matter of seconds. I couldn’t believe what I just heard; Timmy driving out of the compound? That simply signified that he had being in the house all these while and subsequently heard everything that transpired between his wife and I. I wondered why I never noticed his present, car or even the car that Anna came with. But there was no way I could have noticed anything except my thoughts.
KAY: What is it? What is happening to you? *I heard Kay asked*
ME: Nothing, I mean, my brother drove out of this compound some minutes ago? *I asked confusedly*
KAY: Yeah, he returned early in the morning. Anything the problem with that? *He asked*
ME: No, I was just curious because I never noticed his present *I replied*
KAY: I guess it was the result of your state of mind. Just try to calm yourself down to avoid expanding the problem. I have to go now *He replied*
ME: Thanks Kay *I replied while he nodded*
I sighed frustratingly, thinking of solution but the highest I could get was not convincing. Leaving the house was the best thing at that moment but I had nowhere to go; Evelyn was gone as well as Frank. I sprung from my sitting position and dashed into the bathroom. In no time, I was already dressed

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